College Football Memories

1996 – FSU vs. Florida @ Doak Campbell: My aunt and uncle provided my friend, Grant, and I with tickets for this one. We were on the 45 yard line on the Seminole side of the field about 8 rows up. It was awesome! I don’t think the crowd stopped yelling the whole game. At the end, FSU upset the then #1 ranked Gators. The goal posts were dismantled and last I saw headed down Tennessee Street. We were able to go on the field after the game to enjoy the win some more. Truly the greatest college football game that I have ever attended.

2003 - Georgia vs. Auburn @ Sanford Stadium– Not only a big game as Georgia defeated Auburn. It was my first experience at the South’s Oldest Rivalry - thanks to Grant for inviting me. The crowd was electric and the atmosphere simply electric. The behind the scenes things that we were able to enjoy on this trip made it memorable, including being on the field for pre-game and meeting many of the players. We were even able to watch CBS conduct interviews the Friday before the game. The game and all of the behind the scenes activities made this the perfect football weekend.

1993 – FSU vs. Ga. Tech @ Bobby Dodd Stadium: Shawn, Alex and I made the trip to Atlanta for the game. If you ever watch the replay on ESPN, you will see us on television numerous times and our pictures appeared in the AJC that Sunday. Florida State trailed and struggled much of this game until Charlie Ward had his coming out party and led FSU to victory in the 4th quarter. To top it off, we headed over to Fulton-County Stadium after the game to try to catch the Braves in the World Series.

2007 – UGA vs. Alabama @ Bryant Denny Stadium: Grant and I went on our first ever UGA road trip to see the Dawgs battle the Tide. Regulation ended with the score being tied. However in overtime, Matthew Stafford hit Mike Henderson for a touchdown and the Dawgs pulled out a great win. Even though we were on almost the top row of the end zone, we could see that play clearly and had a great time. Bama fans were very well behaved and our first road trip was an incredible experience! Of course this trip included a stop at my favorite restaurant, Dreamland BBQ.

1994 - FSU vs. Florida @ Doak Campbell: Yes, the infamous “Choke at Doak” and I had the honor of being there. The student section pretty much emptied out at half time, so I basically had the entire end zone bleacher section to myself. The Noles came back and tied the game. Not as good as a win would have been, but it was great to see Spurrier lose his mind.

Blogging Break

I have taken a break from blogging recently just due to the number of things happening in my life. Fun things such as moving, school starting, vacation, etc. The truth is that I have many things that I have been thinking about lately but I have not taken the time to put them into words. I plan on doing that over the next few weeks and will be posting more soon.

A Unique Perspective

Once again a minister is in the news from an affair and web sites are buzzing with information, advice and even rumor. Pastors are advising others on what went wrong and how they can keep from falling into this trap. I have a very unique perspective as I have served on the church staff for both Rick Ousley and Gary Lamb.

I read the advice on how to keep this behavior from happening again. All of this advice is good but it focuses on steps à actions. Yet none of this really focuses on the heart. One of the greatest things that I have learned in the past year is that God is after my heart. Affairs happen every day and another marriage ends. A person’s addiction to porn is discovered every day and countless lives are devastated. The enemy is out to destroy ALL Believers. Sometimes I think that we put church leaders on a pedestal at the head of the line for being attacked. The truth is the enemy attacks all of us equally and he doesn’t care how he does it. We are all people, all sinners. Those of us who have made the choice to receive Christ become the Children of God and that ticks the enemy off. The enemy wants to destroy our relationship and freedom with God so that we carry so much baggage around that we are not experiencing the relationship God intended for us. Relationships not only with God but with other people as well.

I can list certain characteristics of both Rick and Gary and warn against such behavior. However, we can avoid obvious behaviors and addictions and trade it for those less obvious. Isn’t pride just as much a sin as sexual indiscretion? It really boils down to a matter of the heart and God wanting our heart. What does that mean? Well, if I could put it into steps and behaviors I could write a bestselling book and everyone would be happy. However, for me it has boiled down to the real question of who is the real me? When everyone else leaves and at the end of the day by yourself who am I? What do I struggle with? What have I never wanted to tell anybody else about yourself?

To me the answer is more than just accountability. Accountability can be faked by surrounding yourself with yes people, but putting yourself in true Biblical community requires authenticity. We need a community that we walk through life with. It is more than accountability it is journey. It is having a safe place where we can come as we are and share our real struggles. This group cares enough about us to question areas where we do not want people to go. The purpose is not to beat us up but to encourage us on this journey in relationship with Christ and to help us in drawing closer to Him. This is not a series of steps or programs but a process of intentional relational encounters on our journey in life.

Today's News

Today was an ordinary Sunday afternoon until my cell phone rang.... and then I heard the news. The lead pastor of the church I was on staff at 2 years ago in Canton, Georgia admitted to having an affair and resigned. Then, I started receiving emails, Tweets, text messages, etc. The overwhelming response from people was "sorry that you were right". I didn't want to post anything tonight and I didn't really want to address this just yet, but with the amount of response being received I felt it was time.

I am sorry for those involved in this situation. There are no winners here. Bottom line is it stinks. No, I am not surprised by the news from Canton in the least. I was not on staff there very long - only 6 months and from those that know me know that speaks for itself. Truly, serving there was the worst experience that I have had in my life. I will not go into the details here but part of the story made it into the book The Mad Church Disease.

On the flip side, I have been on the other side of this type of experience as well. About 3 years ago, a pastor that I had a great deal of respect for (and served on his staff) admitted to an affair that spanned many years. I was devastated and crushed. I will never forget those days. It truly stunk. Soon after the news broke, other people began to share their stories of abuse at the hands of this pastor. Their stories were shared not to kick dirt on this pastor but for the first time many people felt the freedom to share their story. I learned that this person I respected had some serious issues to deal with and had abused many people (it went way beyond the affair). How could this happen, I thought? How could this person lead a church and be doing all of these horrible things on the side?

I have learned alot since then. I have met many pastors who have left the ministry after having affairs. Also, I have met people who have been abused by cults and churches. I have witnessed alot of crap (there is a better four letter word but I will pass on using it here). Bottom line is we all struggle. We all struggle with loving God and truly accepting that He loves us as we are. That He is enough to fill every bit of us. We try to fill ourselves our own way, trying to numb the pain of life that we are feeling. We ALL do it in some form of another because we are all human. Some of us fill ourselves with more socially acceptable sin like overeating, watching television. surfing the Internet for 20 hours a day and yet others find solace in non acceptable forms such as porn and yes even affairs. The root cause is all the same - trying to fill some pain or void in our lives. At some point in our lives, we have the opportunity to face not only the pain, but the source of the pain as well. We have an opportunity to allow God to work on healing our heart and experience the freedom of Christ.

What am I trying to say? At this moment, many are hurting. I encourage you to experience and face that pain. Talk about it, express it. Don't just hide it and pray about it. Focus on what is hurting and bring that to God. Express your pain and sorrow to Him. I am not saying that He will take it away tomorrow and that the birds will be singing around your window and life will be beautiful. What I am saying is that you are not alone and that God is willing to walk through this with you if you let Him. It beats the alternative of walking through such a journey alone - or of trying to numb this pain being felt through other vices. This is not something that can be done alone, but something that must be done in community (as I am learning the hard way - just ask Chris Roe). Sometimes it involves a counselor and other times just an honest group of real people who are wiling to walk with us in the journey of life. It may not feel like it today but God does care about you and what you are going through - He is still there.

What if this was your last Tweet?

What if today were the last day of your life? What if you left for work this morning and never arrived at the office? No, I am not pulling out some sermon analogy but this crossed my mind a lot the last couple of days. A person that I knew of in IT circles was killed in a car accident on Wednesday. He was a year older than myself and he leaves behind a wife and 7 year old daughter (my oldest will turn 7 in August). I came across a link to his Twitter which basically chronicled the last days of his life. What really tugged at my heart strings was reading the Twitter his wife sent to his account upon learning of his death. To think with today’s technology, we can literally experience what could be the final moments of a person’s life and see what they were thinking, feeling, etc. Then I think of the morbid thought of what if I didn’t make it home and what would my last Tweets and posts say? It really gives me a whole new perspective on the potential of this new media. I can not only use this new media to express commentary, but also to share details of my life as it can be used as a time capsule of sorts. This time capsule can be shared among friends and family later on in life to reveal not only my opinions but also my experiences. My children will have the opportunity to learn about me in whole new ways. In some ways that is very overwhelming and in other ways it is very -- -- -- cool.

Return to Church Part 2

Those that have been through cult/spiritually abusive situations may decide to attend church again. In part 2 of this blog series I continue to tackle the big question that comes to mind, “Where should I go to church?” None of us want to be victimized again, so this decision is one that we should carefully make.

Once again, with the help of my good friends Doug and Wendy Duncan we continue on in examining characteristics of unsafe churches and leaders. We cannot guarantee that some characteristics were not overlooked, but this addresses many unhealthy characteristics that we have witnessed in both pastors and churches.

The list is fairly lengthy, so I will cover the second four characteristics on this blog:

· Over Emphasis on Numbers - Too much emphasis on size of the congregation and church building. This can be tricky because I am not saying that numbers being mentioned is a bad thing. However, when numbers seem to be the only thing talked about, that may be a red flag . Numbers can be one of the things that are analyzed, but to solely focus on numbers is a dangerous thing. At some point, the number becomes the item of worship and everything must be done to keep increasing the numbers. In reality the drive becomes not changed lives but increased numbers.

· The “I” Factor - Too many sentences from the pastor that begin with “I”. Or “we” if it is just another way of meaning “I”, but trying to sound inclusive by using “we”. This is can be easily identified through evaluating the leaders blog, church web site or even Twitter. These resources combined with what is presented at the weekend service will quickly show if the “I” factor is in play at this particular church.

· Moodiness - Extremes in the Pastor’s mood. Easily angered or irritated. Once again this can be prevalent through evaluating the leaders blog, church web site or even Twitter. This characteristic is fairly self explanatory.

· Model Wife Syndrome - The Pastor has a “perfect” wife. She is always dressed and groomed beautifully and always on her best behavior. We are not saying that complimenting a preachers wife is a bad thing at all, if anything that needs to be done more often. However, in this type of situation the wife does no wrong. This goes along with presenting a perfect image of not only the leader and the church but the leader’s family as well. This can also be a form of control over the wife. If the wife is “perfect”, it does not allow her to truly share any concerns or issues that she may be experiencing with anyone, therefore keeping her isolated.

Church Decision Part 1

Those that have been through cult/spiritually abusive situations may decide to attend church again. The big question then comes to mind, “Where should I go to church?” None of us want to be victimized again, so this decision is one that we should carefully make.

As I’ve stated before, I have had the great pleasure of meeting Doug and Wendy Duncan. In my opinion, Wendy’s book, I Can’t Hear God Anymore is a must read for those coming out of cult/spiritually abusive situations. Wendy was kind enough to collaborate on a list of characteristics of Unsafe churches and leaders. Our purpose in this is to help equip those who are ready to get back into church with the tools necessary to evaluate what they are seeing. We cannot guarantee that some characteristics were not overlook, but this addresses many unhealthy characteristics that we have witnessed in both pastors and churches.

The list is fairly lengthy, so I will cover the first four characteristics on this blog:

· Brunt of the joke – Pastor or leader frequently berates or makes fun of members or staff – sometimes disguised as humor, but in actuality, this is a means of control. Pastor or leader is sarcastic – again, disguised as humor. The main reason this seems to be done is to build up the pastor and make him appear to be the one with all of the answers – sort of establishing his own credibility. No one likes to be made fun of so people will either leave or comply so that they are not the ones who are pointed out as examples.

· All Minds Think Alike - All the members seem to think alike. There is very little differing of opinions. In addition, differing opinions are not welcomed, and those with differing opinions are labeled as not “true” members. Many times I have witnessed this behavior when weekend sermons are used to deliver the pastor’s directive so that everyone is thinking alike versus just communicating God’s word and allowing the Holy Spirit to direct. Many times parts of scripture are used to support a statement or belief of the pastor or leader, whether or not the verse it taken out of context. There is a real focus on “doing” whatever the pastor or leader says to do.

· Top Down Decision making process - No decisions, however small, can be made without informing the pastor or leader. This characteristic can be difficult to spot just by attending church on the weekend. This characteristic may be more noticeable via different communication mediums such as web sites and Twitter. Many times these communication mediums will expose the decision making structure. For example, it may discuss how an idea has to go before a board or committee. However, it may show that the pastor or leader gets an idea and it is immediately implemented, no questions asked. Typically the leader or pastor will take credit for all new ideas rather they are truly their ideas or not. Another way to determine the decision making process of the church is to offer to start some sort of ministry not already available. The process of starting a new ministry or activity will show the decision making process of a church and offer insight to how that process really works.

· Information Control - (one of Lifton’s criteria for thought reform): Pastor or leader possesses all the information and doles pieces of it out to certain people. This can be in areas such as the financial state of the church, future plans for the church, program plans, vision, etc. It is not that the information could not be widely discussed, but rather another means of control for the pastor. A code word that I see used with this characteristic is “vision”. So many times a pastor claims that God has given ME (the pastor) a “vision” and then presents parts of it. The details and how to carry that vision out come directly from the pastor and are typically not given all at one time. Also, parts of a “vision” may be emphasized as needed, for example tithing is preached when money is needed; small groups are preached when small group attendance numbers decline, etc.